The very short version of today's adoption news:
Our case has been forwarded to another country for review.
What it means:
Probably no Acacia until after Christmas.
That's about all we feel like explaining. We are going to refocus our energy on ourselves and Zinnia, knowing that Acacia is being kept safe in Ethiopia.
We really appreciate all the support we've received. Regarding now, please don't apologize or feel sorry for us- that doesn't help. We are facing something really difficult, but we need to try to rise above the things we can't change, and put a lot of this behind us for awhile.
Keeping us quietly and discreetly in your thoughts and prayers is what we ask.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The final stretch, and the things that are making it bearable.
While Patrick and I traveled solo on our first trip to Ethiopia, the wonders of social media have made it possible to connect with many of the other families within our agency. Those of us that are currently in the same boat have found each other, and thus Facebook has recently served an entirely different purpose for me. While the twelve to fifteen families that frequent our page the most are people I’ve never met, I feel like they are the only people in the world who understand what I’m feeling right now.
We have collectively been supporting each other whilst simultaneously freaking each other out. As soon as someone hears an update from our agency regarding their case and posts the news, I immediately, unintentionally, and without much rationale, apply that information to my own situation. People have needed rewritten adoption decrees, police reports, interviews with birth family members, interviews with witnesses present during the ruling of an abandonment case, further proof of investigations regarding abandonment, MIA birth father identification… the list goes on. Every time someone has another hang up, I pessimistically assume that I am going to need this same information at some point. I have set myself up to expect negative news… it’s just what I do. I have such a hard time conceptualizing that things will work out.
After 6 weeks of anticipating it, we finally got our case submitted to the US Embassy (USE), which is the last big step in this game. Hearing the long awaited news that we’ve made it past the iron gates of the USE was really awesome, but the hardest part will be making it back out of the gate. The USE has been holding on tight to those cases, making it near impossible for anyone to please them enough to get visa clearance for their son or daughter. The families I know who had been submitted as long as a month ago are still in paperwork nightmares; only five out of 19 of us have cleared. I remain hopeful that much of my delay in getting submitted was due to requests made by, and already fulfilled for, the USE. I’m not at square one when it comes to their asking for additional info. Just wish I knew how many squares there were to go.
As mentioned in our last blog entry, these adoptions have all been finalized in the eyes of the Ethiopian government. It’s our own government that’s delaying the inevitable journey of these waiting children. Acacia is 14 months today. Each delay is more time away from her that I can never get back. I am so happy that most of our children are too young to know what the heck they are waiting for. It’s torture on this end, but I am confident that ignorance is bliss for the babies. Their nannies are awesome.
Amidst this all-too-painful elongated wait, I’m making a list of positive things that wouldn’t have happened if we’d returned to Ethiopia when we thought we would. This list pales heavily in comparison to the prize at the end of the path… but it’s all I’ve got.
1) Our fundraiser (see post from 9/18) was derived out of a need to keep busy and do something good. And we ended up with a literal boatload of baby products to donate, and enough cash to get extra bags checked and grant the orphanage with a sizeable donation. They discourage cash donations, so our task this week is to figure out the best way to utilize the money through existing projects in the area.
2) I got to attend my dear friend’s wedding, and witness the union of two beautiful families becoming one. I don’t think I’ve ever cried at a wedding, but I bawled like a baby when the couple’s first dance turned into a family huddle with their four children. Really powerful to see this family’s milestone, especially at a time where the conspicuous, non-nuclear family is something heavy on my mind (in a good way).
3) I took the old, beat up, red bureau that had been hiding in my closet, and a $5.00 yard sale score mirror, and painted them. Should’ve taken a “before” pic, but here’s the final product. Eat this, Pottery Barn!
4) I bought this picture frame to hang over Acacia’s crib, which I am filling with pictures of her and us. Seems small, but had this all gone quickly, I would never have had the time to do it.
5) I am delighting in the rapid growth and blossoming maturity of my soon-to-be three year old. Zinnia makes me smile like no other, and this extra 1-on-1 time with my first born is truly special.
6) Patrick’s insane marathon training plan has yet to be interrupted, and it’s safe to say he will survive the training without having to run circles in the courtyard of the Children’s Hope Intl. Transition Home. He’s been immensely dedicated, and I am so happy to see that he will achieve his goal.
On the subject of Patrick, I must say this amazingly trying process has strengthened us as a couple. I feel like by making it through this together, we can face anything. Thanks for being awesome, babe.
7) The Life is good music festival: fifth year volunteering, third year as a photographer. I had an incredible time and have some great pictures to add to my portfolio of musician's portraits.
And there are many more great things that have happened in the last month. Time spent with friends and family in this calm-before-the-storm kind of atmosphere. Still, I can't wait for the storm hit. "Eye on the prize," our agency says, over and over. How can I begin to look anywhere else?
We have collectively been supporting each other whilst simultaneously freaking each other out. As soon as someone hears an update from our agency regarding their case and posts the news, I immediately, unintentionally, and without much rationale, apply that information to my own situation. People have needed rewritten adoption decrees, police reports, interviews with birth family members, interviews with witnesses present during the ruling of an abandonment case, further proof of investigations regarding abandonment, MIA birth father identification… the list goes on. Every time someone has another hang up, I pessimistically assume that I am going to need this same information at some point. I have set myself up to expect negative news… it’s just what I do. I have such a hard time conceptualizing that things will work out.
After 6 weeks of anticipating it, we finally got our case submitted to the US Embassy (USE), which is the last big step in this game. Hearing the long awaited news that we’ve made it past the iron gates of the USE was really awesome, but the hardest part will be making it back out of the gate. The USE has been holding on tight to those cases, making it near impossible for anyone to please them enough to get visa clearance for their son or daughter. The families I know who had been submitted as long as a month ago are still in paperwork nightmares; only five out of 19 of us have cleared. I remain hopeful that much of my delay in getting submitted was due to requests made by, and already fulfilled for, the USE. I’m not at square one when it comes to their asking for additional info. Just wish I knew how many squares there were to go.
As mentioned in our last blog entry, these adoptions have all been finalized in the eyes of the Ethiopian government. It’s our own government that’s delaying the inevitable journey of these waiting children. Acacia is 14 months today. Each delay is more time away from her that I can never get back. I am so happy that most of our children are too young to know what the heck they are waiting for. It’s torture on this end, but I am confident that ignorance is bliss for the babies. Their nannies are awesome.
Amidst this all-too-painful elongated wait, I’m making a list of positive things that wouldn’t have happened if we’d returned to Ethiopia when we thought we would. This list pales heavily in comparison to the prize at the end of the path… but it’s all I’ve got.
1) Our fundraiser (see post from 9/18) was derived out of a need to keep busy and do something good. And we ended up with a literal boatload of baby products to donate, and enough cash to get extra bags checked and grant the orphanage with a sizeable donation. They discourage cash donations, so our task this week is to figure out the best way to utilize the money through existing projects in the area.
2) I got to attend my dear friend’s wedding, and witness the union of two beautiful families becoming one. I don’t think I’ve ever cried at a wedding, but I bawled like a baby when the couple’s first dance turned into a family huddle with their four children. Really powerful to see this family’s milestone, especially at a time where the conspicuous, non-nuclear family is something heavy on my mind (in a good way).
3) I took the old, beat up, red bureau that had been hiding in my closet, and a $5.00 yard sale score mirror, and painted them. Should’ve taken a “before” pic, but here’s the final product. Eat this, Pottery Barn!
4) I bought this picture frame to hang over Acacia’s crib, which I am filling with pictures of her and us. Seems small, but had this all gone quickly, I would never have had the time to do it.
5) I am delighting in the rapid growth and blossoming maturity of my soon-to-be three year old. Zinnia makes me smile like no other, and this extra 1-on-1 time with my first born is truly special.
6) Patrick’s insane marathon training plan has yet to be interrupted, and it’s safe to say he will survive the training without having to run circles in the courtyard of the Children’s Hope Intl. Transition Home. He’s been immensely dedicated, and I am so happy to see that he will achieve his goal.
On the subject of Patrick, I must say this amazingly trying process has strengthened us as a couple. I feel like by making it through this together, we can face anything. Thanks for being awesome, babe.
7) The Life is good music festival: fifth year volunteering, third year as a photographer. I had an incredible time and have some great pictures to add to my portfolio of musician's portraits.
And there are many more great things that have happened in the last month. Time spent with friends and family in this calm-before-the-storm kind of atmosphere. Still, I can't wait for the storm hit. "Eye on the prize," our agency says, over and over. How can I begin to look anywhere else?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Progress in Another Form: a Recap of the Fundraiser
The Short of it:
- We collected a suitcase full of baby supplies that weighs significantly more than I do.
- We raised $1333.00, with $485.00 of it designated for the 50/50 raffle winner.
- We drew the raffle winner this morning : Mike Holt.
- Mike, who also happened to attend the party, talk to everyone at it, AND stay until the very end, insisted that we keep his jackpot for the cause.
The Long of it:
I really thought we'd have a travel date to go and get Acacia by now. We are likely still anywhere from a few weeks to a few months away from having her home, and as I've said before, it's the unknown that's putting me over the edge.
Riding the wave of emotions in the past few months hasn't been easy to say the least. I am someone who lives by the principle of "high ideals, low expectations." I know how I want things to be, but I don't ever expect much, thus I'm more often pleasantly surprised than I am disappointed. However, my general rule doesn't apply to wanting my baby home. That exception is all about hoping for the best, and expecting the best... because how could I do anything else? Though as a result, I've experienced a lot of let downs.
The fundraiser was that kind of thing that had me returning to my low-expectation standby. I didn't want to get too confident that we'd get a good turn out or collect many supplies. I'm also not the fundraising type... I hesitate to put others in the position of feeling obligated to give. The whole thing was out of my comfort zone, yet it still felt like something that I needed to do.
I was admittedly a little discouraged when I didn't hear from some of the people I expected I would. Patrick sensed this, and did his best to encourage me that we'd have a great time. I did my best to remember this wasn't all about me, but about Acacia and her fellow buddies from her orphanage. It was tough, but I still found myself adding small details to the event to honor those kids. This included making a large batch of little lapel ribbons to wear at the event.
At the peak of last night's get-together, with the colors of the Ethiopian flag pinned to every shirt and blouse, I truly did feel a unification. There were people who were there for us, because they've always been there for us. We need that, and we couldn't be more thankful for that. There were also people who made an appearance because they really believe in what we're doing, and I was so touched by the conversations that revolved around this. There were a few friendships from the past that feel rekindled as a result of the evening. At 13 months old, Acacia has already managed to connect me to, reconnect me to, or deepen my connection with so many different people. This notion, along with the copious amount of donations we've collected, has put me at peace with the delays we've faced. We didn't let this extra time go to waste.
A few of Zinnia's teachers came to represent, showing me that Zinnia has, and needs, support in this endeavor, too. Her school put out their own collection box, unprompted, and such initiative speaks volumes. Another teacher was our babysitter for the night, gave Zinnia great care (as Zinnia will tell me everything!), and gave us total peace of mind while we were out. We came home to a sleeping kid with a glowing report.
When we drew the raffle winner today, I was really excited to see it was our friend Mike. He added a lot of energy to last night's outing, and it felt fitting that he'd get the other half of the pot. I was overcome with so much emotion when he told me he wanted us to keep it, and that there was no changing his mind. His generosity, which is a conglomeration of everyone's generosity, is appreciated, inspiring, and completely restoring. As I talked with him and recapped the evening, I felt like life's lessons were hitting me left and right. At a time where it's been hard to feel much progress in any area of my life, I suddenly realized that I haven't been as idle as I'd thought.
Again, thanks to everyone who participated, who came out with us, who added a tube of diaper cream to the pile, who has prayed for us, who has written us an encouraging message, or who simply reads this blog and silently cheers us on. I can see clearly at this moment that it has made all the difference.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Please make a promise. A call to my collegues in health and human services.
Just a quick update. Acacia's paperwork was not accepted by the US Embassy in Ethiopia today to process her visa. It was submitted and then returned because we were missing a report from the orphanage that would verify her official status. In the past the US embassy was rather straight forward with their disbursement of visas, but they have recently become pickier.
A quick primer about the process: at this point Ethiopia has already named Killeen and I as Acacia’s parents. Adoptions in Ethiopia are irreversible, and this was made clear by the judge when we first traveled. Bottom line, legally we are the only family that Acacia will ever have.
So, what is the purpose of the US embassy highly scrutinizing cases? My idealistic side says they are doing their part to assure that children are not being illegally trafficked through the system. However, if they did determine that a child was trafficked, the adoption cannot be reversed. So they would simply be assuring that this child would not be able to enter the US, and would be permanently separated from any family unless those adoptive parents became expatriates and moved to Ethiopia. My cynical side says that the US wants to appear tough on trafficking. I say this because a CNN story about three years ago exposed several adoption agencies in Ethiopia that were illegally trafficking children. Shortly after this, every government agency in Ethiopia tightened their process and added extra layers of bureaucracy (which is a separate gripe). The US embassy seems to be following the same process, so they aren’t the only person at the party, left to point the finger at if another trafficking scandal appears. In other words they want to be able to say, “We’ve cracked down on trafficking, just like Ethiopia.” The end result is a policy that hurts the intended population, and simply works to deflect blame. Acacia is our daughter, you are just stalling her homecoming.
My fellow human service and public health practitioners…please take a moment to reaffirm your practice…and make a promise to yourself that you will not support/make policy that hurts your population for the sole purpose of your agency’s PR. That is the most positive nugget I can pull out of this HIGHLY discouraging day. So we now wait longer.
A quick primer about the process: at this point Ethiopia has already named Killeen and I as Acacia’s parents. Adoptions in Ethiopia are irreversible, and this was made clear by the judge when we first traveled. Bottom line, legally we are the only family that Acacia will ever have.
So, what is the purpose of the US embassy highly scrutinizing cases? My idealistic side says they are doing their part to assure that children are not being illegally trafficked through the system. However, if they did determine that a child was trafficked, the adoption cannot be reversed. So they would simply be assuring that this child would not be able to enter the US, and would be permanently separated from any family unless those adoptive parents became expatriates and moved to Ethiopia. My cynical side says that the US wants to appear tough on trafficking. I say this because a CNN story about three years ago exposed several adoption agencies in Ethiopia that were illegally trafficking children. Shortly after this, every government agency in Ethiopia tightened their process and added extra layers of bureaucracy (which is a separate gripe). The US embassy seems to be following the same process, so they aren’t the only person at the party, left to point the finger at if another trafficking scandal appears. In other words they want to be able to say, “We’ve cracked down on trafficking, just like Ethiopia.” The end result is a policy that hurts the intended population, and simply works to deflect blame. Acacia is our daughter, you are just stalling her homecoming.
My fellow human service and public health practitioners…please take a moment to reaffirm your practice…and make a promise to yourself that you will not support/make policy that hurts your population for the sole purpose of your agency’s PR. That is the most positive nugget I can pull out of this HIGHLY discouraging day. So we now wait longer.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Our Fundraiser!
[photo: a mother & daughter in the alley way of their home. Taken outside of the House of Hope, where we stayed during our trip to meet Acacia]
We're on the final stretch of the path to Acacia, and man is it hard to wait. So... we're focusing our energies on something positive: A fundraiser to help Numan Orphanage (where Acacia is from), and Acacia's adoption, which currently totals about 25K!
How to support:
50/50 Raffle*
All you have to do to enter is click the DONATE button on the right (you don't need a pay-pal account; it accepts credit cards).
1 for $1.00, 6 for $5.00. Drawing will be held on 9/18, the day after our:
Fundraiser Event
Strangebrew Tavern
Saturday, 9/17, 4pm and on
Manchester NH
CLICK HERE to RSVP!
This event is an excuse to get together, and do something great for Acacia's orphanage. I might add that the beer selection is fabulous, and the day's specials include 1/2 off apps and 3.00 beer specials from 4-7pm. We are requesting that all attendees come with an item from the following list, which we will bring with us on our return trip to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (please ensure items have an expiration date of at least one year out).
- Diaper rash ointment
- Anti-fungal cream
- Zinc oxide ointment
- Hydrocortisone cream
- Multi-vitamins for Babies
- Cloth Diapers
- Similac Infant formula
- Baby Lotion - 0-2 years old
Hope to see you there!!!
* Our 50/50 raffle is more like a 50/25/25 raffle- the amount we raise will be split between our own expenses, and a donation to Numan Orphanage in rural Assela, Ethiopia
Monday, August 29, 2011
Discoveries and disclosures.
Anyone who's ever been pregnant, and gotten very close to -if not gone over- their due date, knows how painful it is to hear over and over again the phrase "Still no baby yet?!" At that point, it's hard to refrain from pointing out that the oversized basketball under your shirt should be a clear indication that no, there is still no baby yet.
Adoption is about a thousand times worse. The obvious basketball isn't there to tip the inquirer off, and the question doesn't hold a black-or-white type of answer. And of course, it's actually a much more valid question, given that we rely on governmental agencies, and not nature's course, for some resolution- aka, the anticipated arrival of baby.
So, take the 39-weeks-pregnant scenario, and pretend that your doctor suddenly informs you that there was a mistake in the due date estimation... and you're really only 36 weeks pregnant. And here you'd thought all along that you were almost there. That's what happened to us this week.
Long story short, there's a group of ten families a week or so ahead of us, and another group a few weeks behind. We were a lonely group of one, happening to travel at a time no one else did. When the post-court approval stuff started happening, we were in the first group. We got a few updates along the way, but then we stopped hearing things. I told myself to just be patient, for if the agency had things to tell us, they'd tell us. Yet other families seemed to know so much more, posting all kinds of info that we'd never been tipped off to. It started to make me a little crazy, hunting down info through facebook status updates and adoption message boards. Then I realized that all of this hunting wasn't helping... especially when families started getting submitted to the embassy, and we hadn't a clue where our case was at.
Somewhere along the way, we shifted from the first group to the second group. We were told Acacia's visa medical was complete, when in actuality, it hasn't even happened yet. Communication between US staff and Ethiopia staff got crossed, and it never became clear until today that our case had fallen behind in the process just after birth certificates had been obtained. Our consultant apologized profusely for the oversight. Strangely, even though it's a major set back, I feel so much better knowing what happened vs. sitting here each night wondering why we feel like the only family not getting an update. The good news is that we now have a group- a "home" for the moment, anyway. Even if it delays the process, I guess it was meant to be this way for a reason. Fate's grand plan. Which reminds me...
We've been rather alone in another way, too. Adoption and religion are tightly knit. God speaks to many loving families, and helps them realize that His plan for them is adoption. It's a wonderful thing. And while I believe in God, and Jesus, I also believe in Buddah, and Shiva, and Gaia, and every other supreme being that spiritually moves the human race. When I see a "Coexist" bumper sticker (the one that spells out the words in multiple religious and spiritual symbols), well, that sums up my beliefs. And while I am very content and proud of the way I perceive spirituality, I can't help but feel that, by not serving one God, I miss the opportunity for an amazing support group. I see other families surviving this process through their devotion to God. They pray together; they create an amazing energy that I wholeheartedly beleive in. They find solace, and answers, for every frustration this process brings... all through the guidance of the Lord. I know I may as well wear a sign that says "Save me." But, that expereince has already happened, and it isn't my path to follow. All the same, I often wish it were.
So, the take aways from this weeks post:
1) You may ask me how the adoption is going, but in all likelihood, there won't be anything to report until after labor day. And, I may burst into tears if you ask me before then!
2) I am feeling very isolated as I deal with the stress of waiting for Acacia to come home. And, while I can't find the same comfort in God that most families seem to find, I do pray in my own ways, and appreciate your prayers - of any origin - in the biggest way possible.
Adoption is about a thousand times worse. The obvious basketball isn't there to tip the inquirer off, and the question doesn't hold a black-or-white type of answer. And of course, it's actually a much more valid question, given that we rely on governmental agencies, and not nature's course, for some resolution- aka, the anticipated arrival of baby.
So, take the 39-weeks-pregnant scenario, and pretend that your doctor suddenly informs you that there was a mistake in the due date estimation... and you're really only 36 weeks pregnant. And here you'd thought all along that you were almost there. That's what happened to us this week.
Long story short, there's a group of ten families a week or so ahead of us, and another group a few weeks behind. We were a lonely group of one, happening to travel at a time no one else did. When the post-court approval stuff started happening, we were in the first group. We got a few updates along the way, but then we stopped hearing things. I told myself to just be patient, for if the agency had things to tell us, they'd tell us. Yet other families seemed to know so much more, posting all kinds of info that we'd never been tipped off to. It started to make me a little crazy, hunting down info through facebook status updates and adoption message boards. Then I realized that all of this hunting wasn't helping... especially when families started getting submitted to the embassy, and we hadn't a clue where our case was at.
Somewhere along the way, we shifted from the first group to the second group. We were told Acacia's visa medical was complete, when in actuality, it hasn't even happened yet. Communication between US staff and Ethiopia staff got crossed, and it never became clear until today that our case had fallen behind in the process just after birth certificates had been obtained. Our consultant apologized profusely for the oversight. Strangely, even though it's a major set back, I feel so much better knowing what happened vs. sitting here each night wondering why we feel like the only family not getting an update. The good news is that we now have a group- a "home" for the moment, anyway. Even if it delays the process, I guess it was meant to be this way for a reason. Fate's grand plan. Which reminds me...
We've been rather alone in another way, too. Adoption and religion are tightly knit. God speaks to many loving families, and helps them realize that His plan for them is adoption. It's a wonderful thing. And while I believe in God, and Jesus, I also believe in Buddah, and Shiva, and Gaia, and every other supreme being that spiritually moves the human race. When I see a "Coexist" bumper sticker (the one that spells out the words in multiple religious and spiritual symbols), well, that sums up my beliefs. And while I am very content and proud of the way I perceive spirituality, I can't help but feel that, by not serving one God, I miss the opportunity for an amazing support group. I see other families surviving this process through their devotion to God. They pray together; they create an amazing energy that I wholeheartedly beleive in. They find solace, and answers, for every frustration this process brings... all through the guidance of the Lord. I know I may as well wear a sign that says "Save me." But, that expereince has already happened, and it isn't my path to follow. All the same, I often wish it were.
So, the take aways from this weeks post:
1) You may ask me how the adoption is going, but in all likelihood, there won't be anything to report until after labor day. And, I may burst into tears if you ask me before then!
2) I am feeling very isolated as I deal with the stress of waiting for Acacia to come home. And, while I can't find the same comfort in God that most families seem to find, I do pray in my own ways, and appreciate your prayers - of any origin - in the biggest way possible.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
When?
Now that we are officially the parents of TWO amazing little girls, the big question is: "So when do you get to bring Acacia home?"
Here's the quick rundown -
- We passed court at the end of July, and got the news on 8/2 that our adoption decree was complete.
- This week, we got a copy of the decree translated into English. We also got word that Acacia's passport had been picked up, and that she was scheduled to go a medical appt. that's required prior to obtaining her visa.
- Next week, everything will be submitted to the US Embassy, and we'll await word from them on when we are clear to travel. Sometimes, the embassy requests additional information beyond what's in our dossier (that stack of paperwork that took us a year to complete). If so, the clearance may be delayed a few days to a few weeks. Typically, a family is cleared 2-3 weeks after the submission.
- When we are clear, our agency will choose three potential dates for us to have our visa appointment at the embassy. The embassy will respond back with the actual date of the appointment, and only THEN can we book our flight to bring Acacia home. The booking will happen only 1-2 weeks prior to departure!
In summary, we expect to travel in mid-September, but it could be a little earlier, or a little later, because as always, the adoption process is most unpredictable.
I always remind myself that, though she is coming back with us to the place we consider home, she will be further away from "home" than ever before. Everything she knows and understands is about to change. As we can attest, all sights, sounds and smells in Ethiopia are a 180 from what we know in the US. Add infancy into the mix, and Acacia is in for quite the surprise.
The best way to empathize with her is through an exercise I found in this blog: http://shaungroves.com/2011/01/the-list/
...really thought provoking stuff.
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